Raw: Looking back at where I started

(originally published August 18, 2013 on Journey of the Heart | Women’s Spiritual Poetry)

Twenty-five years ago I slowly began to wake up to the fact that I was staring at my soul across a grand canyon of separation and dissociation.

For the best of reasons – protection – my soul had skipped town and landed on the moon. If I was going to get anywhere with my healing, though, my soul/I and my body/I needed to get the band back together.

I hit every new relationship pothole, and when I wasn’t hitting them I was swerving drunkenly down my path avoiding them.

It’s been a gloriously messy experience.

The poem here rises from a low triggered by a crack-my-soul-open full-body conversation with a mountain. That low was the beginning of an extraordinary piece of my journey, though, which brought me to this page, courageous, strong, and in love with my life.

So, why look back? Looking back helps me remember just how damn courageous I am and how much I’ve healed.

 

my resilience
is so fragile

grief
shreds it

dead leaves
fluttering anxiously
in frigid winds
torn branches
clutch uselessly
holding to
nothing

I’ve lost
everything
in small
pieces

outward
picture perfect
inward such
echoing
emptiness

I found myself out

always afraid
others would see
past the mask
unveil the fraud

I did it
to
myself

who am I
now?

I can’t do this
anymore
cast-iron
competent face
tearing flesh

I can’t do this anymore

I doubt everything

no kernel of redemptive
light
burning
inside
this time

no positive words
trip away
from my mouth
to reassure
myself
everyone
who relies on
me

I am lost

I doubt everything

(I know I’m in here somewhere)

what a relief
it is
to show my face
to the world
unsure and small

timid
yearning for
mother-touch

despairing
broken
needing

what a relief
it is
to be just
human
woman

© 2008 Tracie Nichols

This poem wrote me a few months after I spent a 30-minute lifetime on a mountaintop of exposed quartz during the Summer Solstice.

At the time, I thought I was just on a walk with friends. I sat down on a rose quartz shelf to rest. An instant and unexpected collision of woman + mountain + Solstice fire left me stunned and shaking. My mind rushed in to “make sense of things,” and I walked back into my life thinking the experience was over.

LIFE knew better, of course, and tumbled this poem out of my soul on a grey November afternoon when I realized how I was living my life felt deeply wrong. I was elementally changed, and what I was doing with my life needed to change, too.

Oh, and the mountain and I are dear friends, now.

 

One thought on “Raw: Looking back at where I started

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s